July-September, 2003

Children's Health

Strategies for communicating with your teen

By Joyce Noble, Ph.D.

What is a reasonable curfew for a teen?

Curfews aren’t “one size fits all.” They totally depend on the family and the teenager’s schedule, activities and maturity.


How do you handle expressing your own opinions to your teen without appearing judgmental?

When it's really necessary, state your view and acknowledge that the teen will make up their own mind. Use news stories to discuss value issues that are important rather than lecturing your child about his behavior or his friends’ behavior.

What information should I get from my teenager before she goes out for the evening?

Even though teens may protest, it's a good idea to find out the “who, what, when and where” information before your teen leaves to go out with friends. It’s a good idea to set general guidelines about what's acceptable from day one so you're not always quizzing your teen and so he or she will know what your expectations are. This also gives teenagers some freedom to make their own decisions, while still behaving within the guidelines parents have already established. Parents should provide more supervision and expect younger teenagers (13, 14 and 15-year-olds) to provide more explicit information about activities. As teens get older (16, 17 and 18-year-olds), they can begin making their own decisions regarding behavior and be ready to accept the consequences if they make a poor choice.

Is it necessary to meet the parents of my son or daughter's friends before allowing my child to spend time at friends' homes?

This solely depends on the child and his or her friends. Some children are more responsible and have more responsible friends. Some parents are comfortable with a child spending time at a friend’s house during the day without meeting the friend’s parents, but want to meet the friend’s parents if their child is spending the night. A middle ground in this situation is to telephone the friend’s parents and discuss what the plans are for the day or night. If you don't know the friend’s parents well, it’s important to listen to your child’s comments about the experience when he comes home. Children will often comment on situations in a friend’s home that made them feel uncomfortable, i.e., the friend’s parents arguing, drinking or leaving children unsupervised. If you listen to your son or daughter’s reflections on the experience, without appearing judgmental about the friend’s family, your child may come to the conclusion himself that he feels more comfortable spending time with that particular friend at your home.

What are some tips for talking to my teen about his friends and social activities?

One idea that works for many families is making a pact with your teen that you will pick him or her up anytime, anywhere, day or night, with no questions, lectures, penalties, etc., at that time. This gives your teen an automatic “out” if they're in a situation they're uncomfortable with. Generally, teens who talk to their parents about their friends and social activities do so because their parents have always listened and not used conversation to give their teenager unwanted advice or lecture or criticize him or her. Parents should listen to what their child has to say about their friends’ behavior and then ask the child how well they think that behavior works for their friends. Let the teenager come to their own conclusions by using good sense, which teens have plenty of, providing they are not being defensive. It’s also very important for parents to have their own life and not live vicariously through their teenager. If a parent seems overly invested in their teenager’s social life, the teenager will feel their mom or dad is reliving their teen years through them and will feel smothered.

Joyce Noble, Ph.D., is a child psychologist for St. John’s Behavioral Health Services. She also raised two teenagers and lived to tell about it.